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"Parents"

This section is created for all parental figures, such as parents, grandparents, relatives, foster parents, and adoptive parents. It is part of our "Resources" material specifically for adults who suspect or have confirmed that a boy under their care has experienced sexual abuse. The terms "parent" and "son" are used broadly to include long-term caregivers like grandparents, relatives, foster parents, and adoptive parents. The goal is to present ideas and guidelines in a clear framework that you can immediately apply and revisit later.

Indicators of Sexual Abuse

Commonly Recognized Signs of Sexual Abuse in Children and Teens

Discovering that a boy has experienced sexual abuse can be surprising for adults who genuinely care about him. Warning signs often emerge over time, raising concerns for those paying attention.

Certain signs, such as a ten-year-old with a sexually transmitted disease or semen stains on a boy's underwear, clearly indicate sexual abuse. However, many other signs may be normal aspects of childhood or stem from unrelated issues. For instance, a sudden anxiety about taking showers might be linked to a perceived bug in the drain, with the child hesitant to admit his anxiety.

Determining the truth is challenging. Sexual abuse often goes undetected because warning signs can arise from non-alarming causes or, if serious, may result from problems unrelated to abuse. Concern is particularly warranted when a behavior marks a sudden and significant departure from the child's usual routine or interests.

Monitoring changes in behavior is crucial. While it's normal for a child to be casual about nudity, a sudden and intense shift in behavior or attitude towards it should be noted. Pay attention to connections between behaviors, such as a son returning late from Boy Scouts meetings, avoiding greetings, taking a prolonged shower, and isolating himself. Such patterns, especially when persistent, raise concerns and warrant further investigation, regardless of the specific problem's nature.

  • Increased interest in masturbation
  • Age-inappropriate or atypical interest in sexual play
  • Exhibitionism or voyeurism
  • Suddenly expanding familiarity with sexual acts and vocabulary
  • Sexual "acting out" with peers
  • Using toys to depict sexual situations
  • Sexually oriented drawing or writing
  • Sexual interest in or attention to younger children
  • Indications of sexting or online searches for pornography

  • STDs or other oral, genital, or anal infections
  • Discomfort in walking or sitting
  • Stained, soiled, hidden, or "lost" underwear
  • Reluctance to engage in normal grooming, toilet, or bathing routines
  • Neglect of personal hygiene or reduced interest in appearance
  • Physical ailments (gastro-intestinal complaints, nausea, stomachaches, abdominal cramps, recurring headaches)

  • Regression to behaviors or problems usually associated with earlier childhood (e.g., clinginess, thumb sucking, bedwetting)
  • Sudden changes in socialization
  • Unexpected absences or difficulty in explaining whereabouts
  • Marked declines in self-image
  • Efforts to make drastic out-of-character changes in personal appearance
  • Comments about not wanting to see or be around a certain person

  • Major breaks in sleep patterns
  • Nightmares
  • Difficulty in getting to sleep
  • Night terrors
  • Restlessness or lethargy during normal waking hours

  • Unexplained anxiety or depression
  • Declining engagement with formerly favored interests
  • "Moping around" or prolonged sad demeanor
  • Hesitation or unwillingness to be in or go to a certain place
  • Incoherence and nervousness while trying to communicate something important
  • Hypervigilance (startling easily or showing sharp negative reactions)
  • Self-harm, such as cutting, burning, or persistent tearing of nails
  • Suicidal ideation

  • Daredevil, destructive, unlawful, or violent behaviors
  • Atypical and chronic difficulties in school
  • Use of drugs and/or alcohol
  • Secretive behavior online
  • Atypical telephone activity
  • Compulsive spending

What should I do if I suspect my child has been sexually abused? Stay Calm.

If you suspect your child has been sexually abused, start by staying calm and carefully considering your approach to the problem. Remember that your son needs people who are safe and reliable, and as a parent, your focus should be on providing love, support, safe opportunities for conversation, and maintaining a healthy environment at home. Address any issues hindering these priorities as urgent concerns, as child protection authorities would insist.

While being well-informed is beneficial, it's crucial to recognize the boundary between your parental role and the professional role of your son's counselor or therapist. Professionals possess the training and experience necessary to guide your son's recovery at the right pace. Avoid 'triangulation,' where your son receives conflicting information on the same subject independently from you and his counselor. This situation can lead to confusion, fear, and distrust, undermining his confidence in adults' ability to help him.

Below are some general guidelines on how to navigate this challenging situation:

Encouraging Open Communication

Encourage open communication with your son. Express concern, assure him of your support, and emphasize the importance of sharing what's troubling him. Make it clear that you'll persist until the issue is clarified, even if he doesn't respond immediately.

Be Patient

Be patient as he speaks. Abused boys may want help but feel ashamed, guilty, and fearful of judgment. They might lack the understanding or vocabulary to provide a clear account, preferring indirect hints through behaviors or comments. Warning signs often serve as their way of signaling distress, allowing them to gauge adult responses. Despite seeming rambling, resist interrupting for clarifications. Let him express himself, and proceed accordingly.

You're Not Alone

Explore resources for caregivers through child protection hotlines. Access instant information from our recommended books. Dedicated websites like 1in6, MaleSurvivor, Pandora’s Aquarium, and RAINN focus on sexual abuse information. Local support groups and confidential discussion forums offer opportunities for sharing experiences and ideas. If the issue involves an institution, seek guidance from someone within that organization, such as a school, faith community, or sports team.

Safety Protocols

Child safety concerns are paramount. Institutions your son is part of should have effective child-safety protocols and staff training. Absence of protocols, reluctance to provide confirming information, or indignation when questioned are red flags. Immediate removal of your son is necessary until the matter is clarified.

Urgent Signs

Certain warning signs demand urgent attention. Eating disorders like anorexia and bulimia can be life-threatening if not addressed promptly. Any indication of suicidal thoughts or planning requires an immediate response. Dispelling the myth that talking about suicide is a plea for help is crucial; such talk often signifies a desire to end pain. In all these cases, prompt intervention and professional support are essential, even if the root problem is not yet clear.

Remain Calm

If sexual abuse concerns are confirmed, it's normal to initially panic. Remember that the impact varies among children, and counseling is crucial, offering numerous options based on your son's needs. Early detection and intervention pave the way for healing and improve recovery prospects. While counseling takes time, many abused boys overcome their issues, leading happy, productive lives as adults.

No Secrecy

Despite understandable reasons for avoiding involvement with authorities, it's not in your son's, family's, or community's interest. Abusers thrive on secrecy, relying on others to keep it. Enforcing secrecy involves harmful lies, threats, and manipulation. In many countries, including all U.S. states, professionals working with kids are mandatory reporters, legally required to report suspicions of child abuse promptly. Agencies follow strict protocols, ensuring confidentiality while addressing child welfare.

Changing Priorities

Dealing with sexual abuse demands a long-term commitment due to prolonged legal proceedings and extended counseling needs for your son. His welfare is the top priority, leading to potentially tough decisions, such as a break from school if coping issues arise. Effective support requires good self-care from you and other adults, serving as positive role models. Expect disruptions to your routine and reduce non-essential commitments while prioritizing adequate sleep, proper nutrition, and personal downtime.

It's OK to Feel

A host of emotions arises in reaction to sexual abuse. These typically include anger at the perpetrator, frustration with the authorities and official formalities, shame, guilt, and feelings of betrayal, helplessness, and powerlessness. It’s important to come to terms with these feelings, rather than suppress or deny them, even though you need your emotional resources to support your son. It is just good sense, and not a sign of failure, if you acknowledge that you too may benefit from some professional support.

Talking with Your Son

Encountering challenges in supporting and communicating with an abused boy is common for parents. As your son progresses in recovery, so will your understanding and ability to meet his specific needs. The guidance of his counselor or therapist is invaluable in this journey. Below, we provide basic guidelines aligned with those recommended by the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children (2009). It's advisable to share these with your son's counselor to ensure alignment with their preferred approach for your child's well-being.

  • Disclosure and Belief:
    Boys fear not being believed when disclosing abuse. Abusers manipulate this fear, making warnings about disbelief seem credible. Your son needs repeated affirmations of belief to overcome damaged confidence. Avoid rhetorical statements during discussions to prevent misinterpretation.
  • Handling the Unknown:
    It's normal not to know what to expect when abuse details emerge. Professionals are prepared for questions, so expand your reliable information base. Don't fear asking uncomfortable questions; many fears stem from persistent myths.
  • Self-Blame and Grooming Tactics:
    Abuse victims may blame themselves due to grooming tactics. Assure your son he's not at fault. Positive framing, like expressing pride for speaking out, helps combat shame. Avoid blaming statements and provide reassurance.
  • Emotional Expression and Extreme Statements:
    Expressing outrage is natural, but be cautious with extreme statements. Threats can frighten your son, and positive feelings toward the abuser may complicate disclosure. Be mindful of language that respects his privacy.
  • Seeking Specifics and Professional Guidance:
    Interest in specifics is valid, but be cautious. Trauma and shame may hinder your son's ability to provide consistent accounts. Leave this task to a professional counselor or therapist for effective guidance.
  • Communication and Emotional Reactions:
    Your son watches for your reactions while discussing abuse. Be attentive, show understanding, and avoid judgment. Create a safe space for him to talk without expecting instant solutions. Honest and open communication is crucial.
  • Respecting Privacy and Involving Others:
    Respect your son's privacy while involving others for support. Disclose information only to those who absolutely need to know. Consider survivor websites for support. Balance the need for allies with your son's privacy.
  • Restoring Boundaries and Understanding Anger:
    Abuse can lead to anger and resentment, causing behavioral issues. Understand the need for appropriate boundaries. Maintain your role in decision-making, as it reassures your son that his welfare is a priority.
  • Rebuilding Trust and Honesty:
    Sexual abuse shatters trust, requiring a step-by-step restoration. Be honest about disclosures, as secrecy can be perceived as betrayal. Admit when you don't know the answer and acknowledge your feelings to maintain reliability.

Closing Perspective

Based on extensive research and the experiences of survivors, the understanding of childhood sexual abuse has evolved significantly in the past 30 years. Although public awareness has increased, persistent misconceptions and deliberate misdirection continue to cloud judgment and hinder progress.

Despite preconceived notions, the reality is that at least one in six boys experiences sexual abuse by the age of eighteen. Abusers are typically older, more powerful individuals, challenging stereotypes and emphasizing the prevalence of abuse in various settings, including families, communities, and institutions.

Beliefs that sexual abuse is unlikely in specific communities or institutions often clash with the truth. Over 90% of abused children are victimized by individuals within their families or communities, and institutions, regardless of their public image, may harbor sex offenders. Safety for children is not guaranteed by claims alone but requires community insistence on transparency, compliance with protocols, and a readiness to reject institutions failing to meet standards.

In cases of a dysfunctional home, acknowledging the chaos isn't necessarily an admission of fault. However, such environments hinder a child's recovery and often contribute to vulnerability. A challenge is presented to prioritize the child's welfare, even if it necessitates reevaluating long-held assumptions and convictions.

Embracing the truth, no matter how challenging, remains crucial for creating a safer world for children. It requires personal reflection and urgent action, challenging individuals to prioritize the well-being of children above all else. The truth persists, demanding acceptance and decisive steps toward change.

Reading Resources for Parents

Helping Your Child Recover from Sexual Abuse

Caren Adams and Jennifer Fay

This brilliant parents’ guide by two experts on sexual abuse aims to help you find the best ways (all cases are different) to talk to your son and participate in his recovery. The arrangement of the material allows you to skip around, depending on what you need on any given day. Each section consists of information for you, the adult, on the left-hand page, with ideas how to present this to your son on the facing page. The book concludes with a list of selected resources (to 1997) and summary information on sexual abuse and offenders. There is no index, but the table of contents will enable you to find what you need quickly.

Link to Book

We Are Not Alone: a Guidebook for Helping Professionals and Parents Supporting Adolescent Victims of Sexual Abuse

Jade Christine Angelica

This book seeks to provide guidance addressing the fears and confusion an abused teen feels during the legal process, based on the example of the Massachusetts Superior Court system. It offers specifics on how cases are handled, as well as advice on effective outreach to the boy and the adults supporting him, using the composite hypothetical cases of two teens, a boy and a girl. These are written for teenagers at about a ninth-grade level, and both sections are available separately (see the listings in the “Resources” section for teens). The book closes with a workbook guide with key points and additional resources, important questions to raise with the teen, a glossary, a list of resource organizations and agencies, a bibliography (to 1998), and an index.

Link to Book

When Your Child Has Been Molested: a Parents’ Guide to Healing and Recovery

Kathryn Brohl, with Joyce Case Potter

This handbook has been written by a family therapist in collaboration with a free-lance writer and covers the sexual abuse issues of particular concern to parents by following the composite story of nine-year-old Scott and his parents as they deal with the discovery that he has been sexually abused. The book is meant to be read from the beginning, but each chapter can be read separately if you need immediate information. Scattered through the text are dialogue boxes on key topics, case studies, bullet-point lists of points on important issues, and useful checklists under the rubric of “Reality Checks.” At the end of the book you will find a glossary, additional information and resources arranged by chapter, and an index.

Link to Book

Secret Doors: a Workbook for Male Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse

Larry Conrad

This workbook, written by the founding director of the Foundation, offers a new approach to recovery from sexual abuse by presenting the problem from the survivor’s perspective and addressing a knot of issues central to healing. The book consists primarily of statements by male survivors on five major themes: the young me, abusers, abuse, after the abuse, and thriving, with framing materials by the author and suggestions for how a completed workbook can be used to pursue further recovery work. The interest of Secret Doors to parents of young male survivors lies in the major role that teen guys played as contributors of material. Fully a third of the survivor statements came from boys of many different national, ethnic, spiritual, and social backgrounds.

Link to Book

Families in Recovery: Working Together to Heal the Damage of Childhood Sexual Abuse

Beverly Engel

Observing that the concerns of a survivor’s family of origin often differ considerably from those that engage partners, lovers, and friends, an incest survivor/therapist addresses this book specifically to survivors and their families. She discusses how to disclose, how parents, siblings and perpetrators cope with the news, how the survivor and family members can support each other, what to expect in the various stages of recovery, and how the whole family can heal. Male survivors may dispute the author’s references to female survivors and male abusers, but she does in fact cover issues and points relevant to boys and men in particular. The book closes with an appendix on basic terms and information, a bibliography to 1994, and a list of resource organizations.

Link to Book

Silent No More: Victim 1’s Fight for Justice against Jerry Sandusky

Aaron Fisher and Michael Gillum, with Dawn Daniels

Aaron Fisher was only eleven when he enrolled in a summer camp at the Second Mile, a children’s charity run by Jerry Sandusky, the famous assistant to Penn State football coach Joe Paterno. In a classic example of grooming, Sandusky won the boy’s trust with gifts, time, and affection, and was soon molesting him. The abuse continued for several years, but at the age of fifteen Aaron disclosed what was being done to him, setting off the greatest scandal in sports history. In this account, written when Aaron was eighteen, he, his mother, and his lawyer join forces to tell the story each from their own perspective. The book is a helpful read for any parent of an abused boy.

Link to Book

What’s Happening in Our Family?: Understanding Sexual Abuse Through Metaphors

Constance M. Ostis

The problem addressed in this superb book is that abusers use secrecy, deceit, and manipulation to encourage errors in thinking, perpetuate old myths, avoid detection, and divert blame from themselves. The victim and safe adults in his life thus often find it difficult to understand what has really happened and what support should be available. So the author turns to non-sexual metaphors to facilitate this understanding, highlight key points, and encourage healing in conjunction with professional guidance. Examples in story form are used as illustrations, and frequent discussion questions serve to focus attention on the main arguments. Each chapter has its own references and the book closes with useful appendices.

Link to Book

Feeling Good Again: a Workbook for Children Who Have Been Sexually Abused

Burt Wasserman

This workbook shows the abused boy that the abuse was not his fault, that it does not define him, and that he can feel good again and shape a fulfilling happy future for himself. The main points are carefully presented, with many exercises and opportunities for the boy to take charge and express how he feels. The book was written for use with preteens, but is also useful with teenagers, and even with adults who, in supporting their child, have to confront their own victimized past. The author suggests that if therapy is unavailable parents or guardians can use the companion guide for direction as they go through the workbook with their child.

Link to Book